you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
