I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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