I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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