I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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