I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
