I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
