Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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