One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
