drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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