You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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