moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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