I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
