Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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