Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
