remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
