I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
