Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
