All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
