you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
