I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
