I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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