ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
