dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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