My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
