I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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