TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
