So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
