i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
