the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
