One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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