It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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