she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
