woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
