people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
