This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
