I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
