My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You have to summon your inner elephant
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
