What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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