How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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