And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
