im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
