You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
True strength comes from lack of pants
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
