I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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