im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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