Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
