So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
