I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
whose parrot is this?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize