There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
