It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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