just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
