He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
